Forgiveness is His Graceful Gift

Forgiveness is perhaps one of our greatest challenges. Our very nature rebels against it. We are less than honest even in our prayers. For us to truly forgive others requires a supernatural intercession of the Holy Spirit that rewires our thoughts and emotions. I am very eager to receive HIS forgiveness, but stingy with giving forgiveness to others. There will be people in our lives that will hurt us time and time again. It is just part of the human condition. We cannot change the choices of others, but when we pray for them and forgive them, then we release them for God to move in the circumstances.

It seems as though heartache and abuse have followed me through much of my life. It is a difficult thing to let go of pain that pierces into the very depths of your soul. Our human reaction is to wrap up that pain and use it as a shield that protects us from another assault. But reality is that it only makes us more susceptible to further injury. If we have an unhealed physical injury, we all know that it is more tender then the healthy parts of our body. The same is true with our souls, when I hang on to the past pain in my life, then I am more likely to be hurt, because there is an open wound on my heart.

When Jesus gave us the Lord's Prayer, He said "to forgive, as we are forgiven." To me, that means divine forgiveness. When I finally take the offense off of "rewind and replay" mode and lay in down at the foot of His Cross, then the cleansing begins to heal my wounds. Left to my own devices, I will chew on that offense until I develop a soul that is calloused with bitterness. This bitterness taints my perspective of everything, including my ability to follow Him. He is so quick to forgive me of my multitude of sins. He separates them as far as the East is from the West. Why is it so difficult for me to allow Him to separate me from the burden of my own unforgiveness ? I simply cannot do that on my own and He is so willing to help me, but only after I have surrendered it to Him.

Bitterness will creep up on me and become a permanent fixture, if I do not daily allow God to examine my heart. One of the hardest aspects of forgiveness for me is that my forgiving others is not based on their behavior, nor is their behavior really any of my concern. We simply cannot wait for others to do the right thing and then respond according. Some people may never change, their sin does not give me a free license to sin by harboring unforgiveness.  These experiences can teach us how to exhibit His love and not allow our anger to become a weapon that we use against others.

From a practical standpoint, there are several ways of praying that have helped me immensely. First, I had to come to understand, that this is not a one time deliverance, but a lifestyle. I am relearning how to respond to pain and anger, and I am so very thankful for the Lord's patience with me. Carrying around a lifetime of pain was burdening me spiritually, mentally and physically. So I am learning to pray that He will help me to see people the way that He sees them; this gives me insight and compassion for others. Now, when I am hurt by someone, I try to immediately pray that God will not allow that offense to take root in my heart. By releasing it quickly, I do not begin to mull it over and over in my mind. It is amazing to me how very faithful He is in response to this prayer. The thoughts are literally removed from my memory bank. It is a wonderful thing.

Many years of my life, I have lived in the bondage of bitterness. I always told myself that there were wounds on my heart that would only be healed completely in eternity. That is a lie from the pits of hell. Christ did not save me so that I could live in chains; He died to set me free from sin. Not just my own sins, and they are many; but also from the sins of others that have hurt me. He wants to replace that deep seeded stress with His Perfect Peace.  We simply cannot do this on our own. It takes His healing touch, and though I am and always will be a work in progress; I am living proof that He is always faithful.

Doctor's Report

Late yesterday afternoon, my surgeon called and gave me another mixed review. The wonderful news is that right now, these tumors are considered "pre-cancerous" and for that I am very grateful. (It is not the noncancerous diagnosis that I had hoped for, and in all honesty that has been a bit of an emotional hurdle for me.) The flip side is that they do not know how long they will stay in the gray zone, so they will continue to monitor me. He reiterated that surgical removal at this point was not a good choice, because as he put it, there was too great a risk for collateral damage. They are unsure of the exact nature of my tumors and the growth rate will help them to determine what we are dealing with. I have learned so much about this disease over the past few weeks and still feel like I know nothing. Pancreatic cancer is not like other cancers, there are many different types and they do not respond well to traditional treatments like chemo and radiation. This is one of the reasons that it is so deadly.

So, at this point, I rejoice for the good news of no current malignancy. And walk with the certainty of God's Grace in the face of uncertainty. He has reminded me of Paul's thorn in the flesh and I see that in a new light now. When Paul ask the Lord to take away his thorn, he wrote in 2 Corinthians 12:9-10:

"But He said to me, "My grace is sufficient for you, for my power is made perfect in weakness." Therefore, I will boast all the more gladly about my weaknesses, so that Christ's power may rest on me. That is why, for Christ's sake, I delight in weaknesses, in insults, in hardships, in persecutions, in difficulties. For when I am weak, then I am strong."

So like a lamb with a crippled leg that does not stray far from the Shepherd, I move forward and rejoice in the privilege of serving a Mighty God.

Seasons of Life

Beautiful fall weather, the heat is gone. We survived another Houston summer.

We have predictable seasons in our lives, autumn for our family means Hannah's birthday "season". That may seem strange to many families, but to us it is savored. "Hannah's Birthday" means much more to us then the birth of our youngest child. And her older sister and brother are the primary initiators of savoring this tradition. For our family, it represents the faithfulness of our God and His abundant love and provisions.

For years, we yearned for a third child and our first two children, who were elementary age, wanted an additional baby as much as we did. We explored several avenues including, foreign adoption and adoption through fostering. Our journey was a private, family issue. It is a difficult thing to share with others. Sadly, many people are highly opinionated about the personal business of others. It is almost funny to remember some of the unbelievable things that were said to us during that time. But, even more so, it is a wonderful memory to recall all of the love that was shown to us. The love far outweighs the negative comments.

After eight years, our prayers were answered and we were over-the-moon thrilled. Our joy quickly turned to fear, when we were told that I should terminate my pregnancy, because I had cancer. But God scooped us up and sustained us through a difficult year of surgeries, months of bed rest, and uncertainty. The greatest lessons that I learned that year were that fear is not from the Lord and that He is in complete control. The medical odds of our baby surviving were very slim and they expected her to be a micro-mini, premature baby. It was a difficult season, but very blessed, as our Godly friends surrounded us and were the Hands & Feet of Christ to us. God poured out His perfect peace over us every day of that year. It is a year that our family of four will never, never forget, because we had seen a miracle and every year we are reminded of that amazing blessing called Hannah. And so, we celebrate!

The greatest of lessons are learned during the darkest of times. Trials comes in many different shapes and sizes, but there are some aspects that never change. The more that we stand against the storm, the more likely that we will be hit in the head by the attacks of the enemy. I believe, with all my heart, that one of the reasons that Christ commanded us to love one another, is so that we are not willing weapons against other people. If we do not daily walk in His love, then we have a tendency to be petty, mean-spirited people, who are capable of saying and doing ungodly things. There has never been a time when I was hurting that Satan did not bring in a whammy to try to finish me off. The stronger our faith stand, the stronger the whammy. It is an undeniable truth. And it hurts, there is no denying it. But we are not without hope, because we have a Savior, who was also hated and rejected by men. Even today, He is still hated and rejected by men.  It is Christ that the world always seeks to silence. Satan is not threatened by the other "gods" of our time, just as he was not threatened by the mythological gods of history. So, we should expect opposition, it is a confirmation that we are heading the right direction.

So now, we face yet another season of uncertainty, but we have a promise that He will sustain us yet again. In Deuteronomy 31:8,  ^"The Lord himself goes before you and will be with you; he will never leave you nor forsake you. Do not be afraid; do not be discouraged.”

The surgery on Wednesday was successful, but we did not receive the answer that we had hoped to receive. We will not have the final pathology report until next week. The information, that we were given yesterday, was more bad news mixed with good news. (That seems to be the theme of this journey.) The bad news was that the tumor was not benign and there was an additional tumor that was overshadowed by the large one. The small one is jelly bean size and they left it in place. The good news is that a sample was sent to preliminary pathology and there was not any malignant cells in that sample. However, because the tumor is not solid, the bad cells can be more spread out. So we will not know where this tumor falls on the aggression scale until we find out what species it is. The other good news is that they were able to completely collapse the larger tumor. That, however, is a temporary state. Dr. Lee assured me that it will grow back. But at least, for now, it is deflated. We are very hopeful that the pathology will show that this is a precancerous situation and I will be monitored until it starts multiplying, that is our best scenario. The gray area of malignancy is very wide.

Since most pancreatic cancer is not detected until it is in its final stages, I am extraordinarily blessed that mine was discovered before it had metathesized. One of my prayers has been that, if this was malignant, that the researchers at MD Anderson would be able to learn more about this deadly cancer through my case. When we arrived on Wednesday morning, I was called back immediately and ask if I would be willing to participate in the research study group. That is a wonderful thing. God has been preparing my heart for this diagnosis for several weeks. In my quiet time, I knew that He had laid this out before me, as a journey to draw me closer to Him. I will never know WHAT caused me to have this condition, but I know WHO has me. And all is well.

This morning, Psalm 27:13-14 summed it up for me:

"I am still confident in this:
    I will see the goodness of the Lord
    in the land of the living.
 Wait for the Lord,
    be strong and take heart
    and wait for the Lord."

Prayer Requests

Next Wednesday, I am scheduled to have a surgical procedure at MD Anderson. We would appreciate the prayers of anyone who feels lead to join us.

My doctor described this as "an inherently risky, but necessary procedure" that will hopefully provide us with a more complete diagnosis. I am blessed to have a medical team that is world renowned and I know that God has provided for my every need.

Please pray specifically that there are no complications from the biopsy part of the procedure. The pancreas is extremely sensitive and can respond negatively to being biopsied. My mass is considered large and therefore is more likely to cause problems. There is a risk of having an acute attack of pancreatisis after this procedure. This is a serious condition that can sometimes require admission to ICU. Please also pray that I do not hemorrhage. I have a history of  hemorrhaging during surgery. There has been a problem with bleeding in every surgery that I have ever had.

Every step of the past few weeks has been deliberately set before me. I have been at peace and am certain that this will work out for good. First and foremost, my prayer is that God will be glorified in this. I am so humbled by the love and support of all my friends. This morning, I woke up and felt a peace that completely enveloped me. I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that it is the prayers of all of you.